Emotional regulation is the ability to be able to control your own emotional state. Such regulation can include focusing on being calm and happy, rethinking the situation to reduce anxiety, or overcoming the sense of fear or sadness.

 

Regulation is often about reducing how intense some emotions are or increasing that intensity. Down-regulation and up-regulation are terms for ways to control your emotions. The first one is for reducing negative ones, and the latter is to increase anxiety or happiness when needed.

 

Psychologists say that emotion regulation happens in two phases – before feeling an emotion and after. The first is antecedent-focused emotion regulation, and the second is response-focused emotion regulation.

 

Today, we are diving deeper into the meaning of emotional regulation and the ways to enhance that superpower in order to improve your overall quality of life.

 

Why Is Emotional Regulation Important?

 

Adults are expected to manage their emotions in a socially acceptable way, without the outbursts and tantrums that children usually have. On the other hand, failure to meet those expectations usually has two mutually connected consequences.

 

First, your social circle shrinks, and your intercommunication patterns begin to suffer. And second, you begin to feel lonely, distant, irritated and misunderstood.

 

Sometimes when emotional control is poor, we tend to say and do things we regret later. If learning how to regulate emotions happens sooner, the life and relationships of a person can benefit massively.

 

So, what are the emotional self-regulation habits you need to integrate into your lifestyle and philosophy?

 

Ways to Control Your Emotions

 

The two main ways to reach emotional control are changing how you think about something or suppressing it. Unfortunately, the latter can have a negative effect.

 

Other ways are to change the situation that influenced emotional experiences or shift your attention. The hardest one is to accept your emotions and simply move on.

 

Emotional Regulation Exercises

If you are looking forward to an emotional regulation activity, then we have a couple of suggestions down below.

 

Breathing Exercises

 

There are three main breathing exercises for good emotional regulation:

 

• You can do breath counting, sitting calmly, counting to 5 on an inhale, and counting to 7 on an exhale. This makes you focus on breathing and not on intrusive thoughts.
• Breath shifting is another way to help yourself out. You just need to put one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. Notice how they rise and fall when you breathe. This gives you a good focus on both areas and calms you down.
• Breath relaxation is simply taking deep breaths with your eyes closed until you feel that all the stress is going away, and you can feel a bit more relaxed.

You can try out all three of them and choose the one that works best for you and your temperament.

 

Reaching Emotional Catharsis

 

A great effective way to deal with emotional dysregulation disorder is to go through an emotional catharsis. This way, you will let go of suppressed emotions and reach a good mental balance.

 

To reach such a blissful state, you need to observe your emotions without trying to change them. Evaluate the experience that caused your emotions and acknowledge that emotions are just states that pass. Don’t identify with them; instead, treat them as a river flowing through you.

 

You can name or write these emotions down on a piece of paper and talk them out with friends, relatives, or a therapist.

 

Mindfulness and Self-awareness

 

Mindfulness is one of those emotional regulation skills that can help you live in the present by acknowledging your feelings, mind, and body.

Such a skill can help you look at your feelings and thoughts from a neutral point of view.

 

Exercises for mindfulness are implementation and acknowledgment exercises. The first ones include self-expression, empathetic listening, or thinking in a non-judgmental way. The latter are naming thoughts and emotions and observing them.

 

Mindfulness is also a synonym for self-awareness which is again about recognizing our emotions and how they affect us.

 

Again, thought and emotion naming here is a good exercise, and you can even create a chart with columns titles like:

 

• What am I feeling right now?
• What caused it?
• How did I respond to it?
• What emotions did I feel at that time?

 

Once you have the answer, you can have the strategy for managing what you feel.

 

Which Are the Hardest Emotions to Control?

 

The most challenging emotions to control are disappointment, anger, and resentment. Unfortunately, people tend to suppress such feelings, and this often leads to mental health issues like depression or even borderline personality disorder.

 

When not addressing such emotions correctly, you can overreact and feel less satisfaction in your life and relationships.

 

Sometimes controlling your emotions can be difficult thanks to beliefs that negative emotions are destructive and uncontrollable. For example, uncertainty might make emotions run wild, and if you don’t communicate clearly with someone, you might start feeling hopeless.

 

Emotional regulation can be tough to harness and manage, especially in this day and age. Social media is a massive trigger for everyone that has a hard time being too self-aware. The perfect life portrayed online is why so many young people feel like they are missing out on something.

 

Always find a friend or therapist that you feel comfortable speaking to; when a traumatic experience arises, don’t wait for the emotions to go away. They never do by putting a lid on them. Instead, let them out and let them go.

 

What Is Emotional Regulation Disorder?

 

An emotional regulation disorder is a condition in which the ability to manage and regulate a person’s emotions is not present. Emotional dysregulation, or ED, is a term that psychologists use for weakly governed emotional responses.

 

The most common symptoms of the emotional regulation disorder are:

• Sudden anger outbursts to someone who hasn’t done any harm or simply passive-aggressive behavior;
• Suicidal thoughts and self-destructing behavior;
• Symptoms like chronic pain not caused by a medical condition and unexplained by specialists;
• Having difficulty in building social relationships in professional and personal fields;
• Inability to focus on work since the mind is occupied with negative emotions;
• Poor self-control, hypersensitivity, etc.

 

Usually, emotion regulation disorder is accompanied by other mental health conditions like mood polarities and depression.

 

The best way to treat emotion regulation disorder is through Dialectical Behavior Therapy or DBT. This condition can be treated if the person takes care of the issue as soon as possible and follows consistently long-term treatment.

 

Another way to start your recovery journey is to build a well-being routine with a chosen mental health app, a podcast, or a tailor-made well-being program.

The term gaslighting has gained popularity in recent years, but the phenomenon behind it reaches way further back in time. In fact, the term originates from a 1940s film called Gaslight. In this psycho-thriller, a man leads a woman to believe she is losing her sanity by plotting a super-detailed pattern of deception.

 

What we get is a brand-new concept in the field of psychological manipulation – the so-called gaslighting.

 

Fortunately, people nowadays are paying increasing attention to recognizing and avoiding toxicity in their relationships, and emotional manipulation is a subject that’s worth all the discussion it takes.

 

So, let’s discuss.

 

What Is Gaslighting?

 

Gaslighting is a type of manipulative and emotionally abusive behavior where the abuser minimizes their victim’s feelings and shifts the blame in order to acquire dominance. While the process may look different, the results are often the same – emotional neglect, devalued feelings, and overall damaged well-being.

 

More often than not, gaslighting includes a conscious and well-planned effort toward building a sense of uncertainty, insecurity, and emotional instability. While the victim falls deeper into that state of self-doubt, the abuser gains more and more power over their inner world.

 

Although it is most closely associated with romantic relationships, gaslighting is common enough in all other types of interpersonal interaction. You can see it between friends, co-workers, and even business partners. One of the worst types of gaslighting happens between family members, including between parents and children.

 

What Is an Example of Gaslighting?

 

The most straightforward gaslighting example to come up with is something you’ve probably heard at least once in your life. “It’s no big deal”, remember? Unless it is.

 

Complied briefly, some other examples of what gaslighting is looking as follows:

 

• Claiming you’re paranoid, overreacting, or making things up in order to dramatize – when you, in fact, have the absolute right to be upset.
• Putting the blame on you whenever something goes wrong or things get tough – even when none of it is actually your fault.
• Lying and clinging on to made-up scenarios, including when it comes to easily checkable facts.
• Never taking responsibility for the things they did wrong or the ways they’ve let you down.
• Blaming you for being overdramatic, imagining things, or having skyrocketing expectations – when you’re actually settling for something below the bare minimum.

 

Or else said – “You’re just paranoid,” and “You are making that up” will be among your most powerful red flags for dealing with a gaslighter.

 

Gaslighting in Relationships: Definition and Signs

 

Recognizing gaslighting in a relationship might be a challenging thing to do, especially if you’re insecure. The reason is simple – gaslighters will lead you to actually believe it’s your fault instead of theirs.

 

That’s why spotting the early signs of gaslighting will be your most effective strategy for leaving this toxic relationship unharmed. And the easiest way to spot it is to stay cautious about your own feelings.

 

Some of the most evident emotional reactions to being gaslighted are:

 

• You feel confused and question yourself. Did that really happen? Are you a horrible person for making a scene? Are you even sane? You are most probably okay, so you better trust yourself or ask for an unbiased opinion because gaslighting is all about making you question your judgment.
• You spend a lot of your time apologizing. It seems like whatever you do, you do it wrong. You never feel like you’re good enough and your input is continually undervalued. Looks like you have something to think about, right?
• You feel lonely and cannot share your genuine thoughts. Whatever you say in your head sounds wrong, and you’re too afraid of being a disappointment. So you watch your tongue, filter what you share, and get too self-conscious when you speak about your feelings.
• You’re growing apart from your friends, family, and relatives. You keep your struggles secret and probably feel embarrassed by how you feel and what you go through. If you try to seek reassurance and support, the other person reminds you of how insignificant your feelings are and how irrational your behavior is.

 

This list can be modified and filled up with multiple different emotional reactions to being gaslighted. But however different, they revolve around a single feeling – that something’s just not right, and it worsens with time.

Am I Being Gaslighted?

If you spot just one of the signs listed above, it’s already time to think about it and react. The higher the red flag count, the more pressing the need to step up for yourself and regain your right to be who you are with no remorse.

 

Seeking support from family and friends will always give you another perspective. So – don’t hesitate to share what you go through and hear what the people who love you have to say about it.

 

Then, their honest feedback might surprise you and drive you to make the best possible decision – leaving toxicity behind and regaining your self-esteem.

Do you often battle the feeling that you’re not enough? Not productive enough in your workplace, not beautiful enough for a magazine front cover, not present enough for our family, not this enough, and not that enough also…

 

Well, you’re hardly alone in this.

 

One scroll through any chosen social media will show you tens and hundreds of seemingly perfect people living the seemingly perfect life. And no matter how hard you try to convince yourself that filters don’t make either beauty or happiness, you keep on comparing yourself to things that don’t actually exist.

 

At the end of the day, feeling good about yourself and treasuring what you see in the mirror is easier said than done. 

 

The good news is that a shift of perspective can help you boost your self-confidence and your overall well-being. And another good news is that a shift of perspective is something you can successfully pursue and achieve as long as you take your time.

 

Are Being Happy With Yourself and Making Yourself Happy the Same Thing?

 

First and foremost, we must distinguish between these two entirely different concepts. 

 

Being happy with yourself means recognizing and using your inner resources, valuing your own strengths, and building a positive self-image based on respect for the person you are. It results from building your self-esteem and practicing the unguilty pleasure of standing up for yourself. It’s the things you feel for yourself, the inner dialogue you have, and the will to stand your ground because you are good enough. 

 

Making yourself happy, on the other hand, has more to do with your reaction toward external circumstances, situations, and challenges. It’s your response when things get tough and the strategy you build to preserve your well-being, even when the world seems to be moving against you. It’s your will and power to stay in control of your emotions, and it’s impossible to achieve without, first and foremost, respecting who you are. 

 

Or else said – how to be happy with yourself and how to make yourself happy are not the same thing. Yet they are inseparably interconnected, and each of the two is impossible without the other. 

 

You should first be happy with yourself in order to want – and know how – to make yourself feel better when things get rough. 

How to Give Yourself a Boost and Raise Your Confidence?

 

As we tried to clarify in the paragraphs above, respecting and appreciating yourself is the ground you’ll be constructing your entire well-being on. 

 

So, how do you achieve that if it doesn’t come naturally?

 

Like every mindset transformation, this one also begins with questioning your current point of view. If you feel you’re not enough and keep underestimating yourself, this probably originates from your past experiences. Sometimes, a deep do-it-alone shadow work will be enough to get you to the root of the problem. And sometimes, it won’t.

 

Talk-through therapy would be a nice place to begin if you have a long history of low self-liking and troubled confidence. Meanwhile, there are things you can do for yourself in order to improve your self-image and start altering your perception of yourself. 

 

Below, you will find some helpful tips for your journey.

 

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

 

Yes, that’s especially valid if you spend too much of your time on social media and watching TV shows. Some people spend their entire lives trying to look and behave like they’re living the dream. They are usually not living it, though. 

 

It’s not about forgiving yourself that you’re not perfect. It’s about celebrating the fact that you’re real!

 

Practice Self-compassion Every Day

 

You’ve heard a lot about emotional intelligence, empathy, and tolerance toward others. But hey, how about you put the same effort into being equally benevolent to yourself? 

 

Just imagine someone you really love is going through the stuff you’re going through right now. Imagine the genuine guidance you’d give them. And then take that same advice with no regrets.

 

Make a Feel-good List Every Day

 

No, it doesn’t need to be a glittery all-rainbows-and-unicorns list about the things that make life magical. It needs to be real, and it needs to be yours. 

 

List the things you’re proud you’ve been through without losing your mind. List the trauma you’ve survived. List the people you love or the dreams you have. List poetry or movie quotes if that’s your thing. 

 

It’s about you, remember?

Respect and Take Care of Your Body

 

That flesh prison of yours that you keep pushing through life – it’s actually you if you think about it. Body and mind do not function separately, and they are more interdependent than we realize in our day-to-day lives. 

 

So, yes – eating a healthy diet is a form of self-love. Spending time in nature, breathing fresh air, and exercising is a form of feel-good therapy. You will sense and understand it in the very first week you turn it into a routine. 

 

Draw and Defend Your Boundaries

 

Showing acts of kindness and supporting others will be an essential part of your self-appreciation journey. But living your life as a people-pleaser unable to say no won’t lead you to places you’d love to be. 

 

Drawing boundaries is equally important in your personal, professional, and even family life. Stating your boundaries clearly and defending them in the long run, on the other hand, will help you receive the respect you deserve – first and foremost from yourself, and then from everyone else. 

 

Keep On Exploring All the Possibilities

 

This list of self-appreciation tips can go on for a pretty long time, but some other vital stages of it might include:

 

• Use the power of mindfulness and visualization to set your priorities straight and start pursuing the right goals. Learning how to feel better about yourself is not an instant breakthrough but a long way you go every day. 
• Surround yourself with people that appreciate and lift you up. You are allowed and advised to have your standards in interpersonal communication. You don’t have to settle for people who bring you down. 
• Have your must-take time for yourself and do the things you love. If your friends and relatives don’t share your passions and interests, find the people who do. If you don’t find them – just do the things you love by yourself and enjoy the ride!
• Leave behind the things that harm your self-esteem. Life is too short to do a job you hate, settle for a partner that deliberately hurts your feelings, or even let a family member drag you down emotionally. It might seem counterintuitive at the beginning, but once you allow yourself a healthy dose of egoism, it will all finally make sense. 

 

Finally, seeking professional counseling with a certified mental healthcare provider is always a good idea if you feel stuck or need guidance on your way. Feeling better about yourself can be a long ride, but the destination is absolutely worth it. 

How to Make Yourself Feel Better in Challenging Times?

 

Self-respect and a friendly disposition toward yourself mean you’re halfway there, no matter how far you seem to be from a cloudless sky. So, when life inevitably hits, you will have to fight for your right to happiness without giving in to despair. 

 

In order to feel well at all times, you first need to realize that you don’t have to feel well at all times. All your emotions are equally valid; feeling broken, teary, let down, or sad doesn’t make you weak. On the contrary, it makes you authentic – so before you let it go, you first need to let it come.

 

How to feel better after a breakup? Cry a lot, smash some dishes probably, then talk the night away with your bestie. A few days into that kind of emotional hurricane, remind yourself what’s the reason for breaking up. It’s probably valid, right? Tell yourself you deserve better, and let the better come!

 

How to feel better in a toxic working environment? Write a notice to quit today and start looking for a place that will nourish your talents instead of exploiting them for nothing. State your thoughts and feelings on the front door instead of repeating them forever under the shower. Then smile, leave, and start feeling better!

 

At the end of the day, life feels precisely how you make it feel. Realizing your total freedom to chase happiness is the first step towards fighting for yourself. Until you realize it’s not supposed to be a fight. It’s an embrace.

We can track the origins of psychology as a part of philosophy as far back as 500 BC. Anyway, scientific psychology as we know it today is a relatively new science dating back to about 150 years when Leipzig and Gustav Fechner started exploring the sensory experiences and subjective judgments of people.

 

For over a century, psychology kept dealing with issues, mental illnesses, and maladaptive behavior as a primary focus. Or else said – it was generally a science aiming to determine what’s wrong, how it went wrong, and how it can potentially be made right again.

 

This course of development was uninterrupted until the very end of the 20th century. Then, the current-time president of the American Psychological Association, Martin Seligman, took on the humanistic approach of Abraham Maslow and started talking about “positive psychology.”

 

In the decades to come, positive psychology developed as a subfield of psychology focused on identifying and building assets instead of just dealing with issues. Below, we’re discussing the fundamentals of positive psychology and how it alters the general perception of ourselves and our own role in our general well-being.

What Is Positive Psychology: Definition

According to Martin Seligman’s own definition from the book “Positive Psychology: An Introduction”, this field of psychology can be described as:

 

“The scientific study of positive human functioning and flourishing on multiple levels that include the biological, personal, relational, institutional, cultural, and global dimensions of life.”

That’s the first scientific approach interested in the pursuit of happiness beyond motivational speaking, literature, and art. It’s a blend between modern science and a modern mindset, looking to define the means for achieving satisfaction, gratification, and good spirits by using one’s own signature strengths.

 

Or else said – positive psychology emphasizes happiness as a term for subjective well-being.

 

It explores the role of simple pleasures, fulfillment, accomplishments, meaning, and social inclusion in building up one’s general life satisfaction. Moreover – it can be applied to both individuals and societal groups looking to improve their long-term well-being instead of merely addressing their immediate problems.

What Are the Main Positive Psychology Concepts and Principles?

Considering its character and theories, positive psychology is often poorly misinterpreted as pseudoscience or even equalized with superficial self-help methodologies. It’s important to stress on the scientific nature of this psychology subfield, as it relies on research and evidence above all.

 

When it comes to theoretical concepts, we have the most straightforward set of definitions written down by Christopher Peterson – a professor at the University of Michigan and a major name in the field of positive psychology.

 

His evidence-based concepts of positive psychology can be summed up as follows:

 

• Most people are naturally resilient and capable of feeling happy and well-satisfied for most of their lives.
• Living a good life is something people can be educated about, and finding happiness can be trained.
• Feeling happiness promotes even more happiness and is a direct cause of fortunate events in life.
• Assets such as social relations, personality strengths, and general satisfaction can make disappointments and setbacks easier to take.
• A person’s inner resources are best revealed during times of challenge and crisis.
• People can draw meaning and purpose from other people, from their own spirituality, and from a meaningful and fulfilling professional realization.
• Financial stability plays a role in subjective life satisfaction but has diminishing returns on our happiness after a particular point.
• Living a good life is more about Eudaimonia (a deep inner satisfaction) than Hedonism (fleeting pleasures and instant positive experiences).
• Emotional intelligence and empathy are even more important than critical thinking for a person’s general quality of life.

 

Last but not least, Peterson states that all good days share three essential features. These are a sense of autonomy, a feeling of competence, and a connection to others. Translated from theory to practice, these would mean independence, education, and social interaction.

 

In the field of positive psychology, resilience is an inherent quality. And the more we perceive it as a resource, the more it would support us in revealing our additional resources.

Examples of Positive Psychology Interventions

Before we give examples of positive psychology interventions, we need to mention the most influential model these interventions are based on. It’s called the PERMA model, and it’s an acronym standing for Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning, and Accomplishment.

 

The upper ones are perceived as a type of formula for authentic well-being, and they act as puzzle pieces to the bigger picture of one’s happiness.

 

Anyway, bringing the pieces together can be easier said than done, especially given the scope of a person’s life they cover. So there are actually hundreds of positive psychological interventions for the sake of addressing each puzzle piece. And some of the most popular among them include:

 

• Savoring each experience and practicing mindfulness in the little pleasures in life, such as observing nature or enjoying the taste of a meal.
• Working on your empathy skills and practicing self-love and self-respect along with acceptance and respect towards others.
• Practicing everyday acts of kindness towards yourself and others. Altruistic and selfless acts are not strictly about gifts, money, or even volunteering. Instead, they can be just the words you say and the emotional support you provide.
• Focusing on gratitude and cherishing the things you have, the support you receive, or the good things life actually offers to you every day.
• Entertaining your optimistic view of life, including by means of imagination, analysis, thought experiments, and future expectations.
• Acknowledging your internal capacities and values as means to affirm your own strength and your own power in your life.
• Ever searching for meaning in the things you do and the goals you pursue. But not the meaning someone expects; the meaning that matters for you.

 

As broad as they are, the interventions listed above are meant to help you stay aware instead of swimming with the current. All-around perception, genuineness, reasoning, and appreciation cost nothing – but they are vital for teaching yourself to feel happy with yourself and the world around you.

The Positive Psychology Strengths and Virtues

As mentioned above, positive psychology is all about finding your strengths and using them in your favor. These strengths and virtues are best defined in a book by Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman called “Character Strengths and Virtues.”

 

According to the two positive psychology scientists, a person’s character strengths can be classified into six categories as follows:

 

Wisdom and Knowledge	Creativity, curiosity, judgment, flexible thinking, perspective, quick learning, etc.
Courage	Bravery, determination, perseverance, verve,  high intrinsic motivation, etc.
Humanity	Kindness, empathy, love, gratitude, social and emotional intelligence, etc.
Justice	Fairness, leadership, teamwork, collaboration, integrity, honesty, etc.
Temperance	Humbleness, forgiveness, attentiveness, discreetness, self-regulation, reasoning, etc.
Transcendence	Spirituality, hope, humor, appreciation of beauty, buoyancy, devotion, etc.

 

For the sake of objectiveness, there are multiple tests and surveys to help you determine your character strengths and virtues. They will lead you through different life situations to minimize subjectivity and determine your core resources as they are.

The Best Books for Positive Psychology

If you’re already interested in the principles of positive psychology, you’d probably want to dig deeper into the science of happiness. Although there are multiple resources you can support your learning process with, here are some of the best books you can begin with:

 

1. Character Strengths and Virtues: A Handbook and Classification by Christopher Peterson and Martin E.P. Seligman
2. Pursuing the Good Life: 100 Reflections on Positive Psychology by Christopher Peterson
3. Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life by Martin E.P. Seligman
4. Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin E.P. Seligman
5. The Psychology of Happiness by Michael Argyle
6. Flourishing: Positive Psychology and the Life Well-lived by Corey Keyes and Jonathan David Haidt
7. Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life by Todd Barrett Kashdan
8. What Is the Good life? Positive Psychology and the Renaissance of Humanistic Psychology by Brent Dean Robbins
9. Psychology of Human Strengths: Fundamental Questions and Future Directions for a Positive Psychology by Lisa G. Aspinwall and Ursula M. Staudinger
10. The Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology by Shane J. Lopez

 

Stay tuned to our happiness, mental health, and well-being blog to find the next game-changer in your life!